Dave’s Christmas Carol – part 2

If you have been waiting anxiously for the conclusion of this festive Dave story, wait no longer…

Dave went to bed, thinking the only three spirits he would be interested in were Gin, Whiskey and Vodka, and being woken up at One o’clock in the morning was not his idea of Christmas preparation. Nonetheless, he went to bed after double checking the cupboard under the stairs was locked. He pushed the sofa back against it, to be safe.

Sure enough, as the church bell chimed once for the hour, Dave’s bedroom was flooded with light. He sat up with a start and found himself confronted with a hovering apparition of a young girl. He looked around to see if Yvette Fielding was going to jump out with her Ghost Hunting crew, or maybe Bill Murray would shoot it with a proton beam. Slightly disappointed when neither happened, Dave asked the ghost girl what she wanted with him. She was here to show him Christmases past, apparently. She held out her hand and hesitantly, Dave reached out to touch it. Before he knew what was going on, the room around him swirled and disappeared. He was soon in a strange place. He asked the ghost where he was. She looked at him a bit weird, before telling him this was his past. Dave shook his head and told her he’d never seen this place before. The ghost looked at him again. She asked him if he was Ebenezer Scrooge, of 15 Pinewood Road. Dave shook his head. He informed her that he was Dave, of 15 Pinewood Crescent. The ghost girl reached into her floating form and pulled out a ghostly looking notepad. She cursed and apologised profusely for disturbing him. She held her hand out again and Dave took hold of it, and then all of a sudden he was back in his bedroom. She apologised again, before vanishing in a flash of white light. Dave shook his head in disbelief and went back to sleep.

Just as Dave was drifting into a deep sleep, the church bell chimed twice. He opened one eye, then the other. He heard a jolly laughing coming from his walk-in wardrobe. Now Dave knew that Santa Claus didn’t exist, so he thought he was either hallucinating vividly, or someone was playing a killer prank on him. He sat up and crept over to the wardrobe door. He opened it slowly, and was gobsmacked to see his wardrobe inhabited by a tall guy in a robe and a crown on his head. This one introduced himself as the Ghost of Christmas Present. The ghost held his hand out and Dave hesitated, because he hadn’t held a man’s hand since he held his dad’s hand as a child. After much cajoling by the ghost, he took the hand offered and then they were out in a snow covered street. Again Dave wasn’t really sure where he was going with this, but he went along with it. He got to see the jolly chap from Mr Scrooge’s office with his family and friends, then off they went to Bob Cratchit’s house. Dave saw his family, in particular his young son, Tiny Tim, who was struggling with an ailment. The Ghost of Christmas present watched Dave’s detached, expressionless face, and then took him to one side. He queried Dave as to why the plight of his most trusted and loyal employee was having no effect on him. This is when Dave had to admit he wasn’t Ebenezer Scrooge, and didn’t really have a vested interest in Bob Cratchit’s welfare, or that of his family. The Ghost of Christmas Present rolled his eyes and disappeared cursing Dave for wasting his time. Dave was left stood in the street outside the house of a stranger.

Dave reached into his pocket and pulled out his… mobile phone, because this is a story about salvation, not public indecency, and tried opening up the Google Maps app. Thanks to the rubbish H+ signal, it was taking ages, and so he didn’t see the huge swirling fog approach. Before he knew it, he was enveloped and couldn’t see more than a few yards in front of him. With a gulp, he put the phone away and turned around, only to come face to face with a tall, hooded, figure. Dave asked him if he was the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, and the figure nodded. Dave then asked if he was expecting Ebenezer Scrooge, to which the figure nodded again. Dave calmly informed the figure that he was not Mr Scrooge. The figure shrugged it’s shoulders and lifted it’s hands to the hood. Dave held his breath as the hood was pushed backwards. He opened his mouth to scream, but nothing came out. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come was none other than Simon Cowell. He took a cigarette from the pocket of his cloak, and put it in his mouth, lighting it with a gold lighter. Dave wondered if he shouldn’t be seeking out Ebenezer Scrooge, but Simon Cowell shook his head and told Dave that it was Three o’clock in the sodding morning, and he was buggered if he was traipsing across town. Besides, he said, he was paid for the hour, so it made no difference to him. Dave felt a bit sorry for this Mr Scrooge, but before he could take it up with the Simon Cowell ghost, he was back in his own room again. Being completely knackered, he fell asleep almost immediately.

It was Christmas Day when Dave awoke, and he felt really bad for this Mr Scrooge. If he was as doomed as all these spirits had alluded, then God help the poor old bastard. Feeling a little bit affected by the evening’s proceedings himself, Dave rang Donna and wished her a Merry Christmas, and also spoke to Annabel. Then, he got dressed and went out into the world to find Ebenezer Scrooge and see if he had experienced the epiphany he was meant to. He found his way to 15 Pinewood Road and knocked on the door. A window opened above his head, and snow dusted his head and shoulders. Dave looked up to see Mr Scrooge glaring at him from on high. Dave smiled nervously, thinking to himself that this was not the look of a man who should be full of joy for having been saved from a miserable life after death. Then, without warning, Mr Scrooge smiled and laughed. He told Dave that he would indeed be accepting his quote, and also wanted additional Directors and Officers cover. More than that, he would be happy to recommend Dave to his customers. With a smile on his face, Dave was about to leave for home when Mr Scrooge invited him to dinner at Bob Cratchit’s house. Dave nodded his thanks and together, they sang and danced through the town to the home of Mr Scrooge’s loyal employee. They knocked on the door, and waited patiently. Minutes passed. Mr Scrooge knocked again. More minutes passed. Then a cough behind them made the two men turn around. A kindly old lady was stood at the end of the drive. She kindly informed them that the Cratchits had won the lottery and gone to DisneyWorld for Christmas.

Seeing Ebenezer Scrooge’s crestfallen look, Dave invited him back to his house for dinner instead.

The two men got royally shit-faced on brandy and wine, and then fell asleep before the Queen’s Speech came on.

Dave’s Christmas Carol – Part 1

As it’s Christmas, I felt it was time to dust off Dave and add a twist of Dickens. Here, then, is the first part of Dave’s Christmas Carol. 

Dave was all alone in the world. It was his own fault, he just couldn’t stand people. And if people were all being honest, they couldn’t stand him either.

He had grown old alone. It all started when he got his job as an Insurance Broker. It was a huge leap from just being an employee – now he was an Employer, with people under him. Now he had to spend more time either at the office, or going to see customers for new quotes and to renew policies, and all the while, building relationships so that he could get new quotes in the future. He was meeting all sorts of people and this had the knock on effect of reducing the time he could spend with Donna and Annabel. He started missing parent’s evenings, school plays, then forgetting anniversaries and birthdays. He even missed Donna’s fathers’ funeral because he was at the local Insurance Institute dinner trying to extend his circle of contacts.

Finally, after one missed birthday too many, Donna had enough and left with Annabel to stay with her mother. Weeks turned into months, and before long, they had been gone for five years and Dave had completely lost them. On the plus side, his Insurance Brokerage was becoming the biggest and best in the area, winning awards for all sorts of things. Those awards slowly replaced the pictures of his family on his mantelpiece (of course he took them home, they were his awards, after all).

Now, a wrinkled old codger, Dave sat in his office looking over quotes for an Accountants firm called Scrooge & Marley – a funny name for a company he thought to himself – who he was quoting for. He knew he’d have to be good because Mr Scrooge was a well-known tightwad, and so Dave would have to be cheap if he was going to win the business. It was Christmas Eve, and Dave finished putting the quotes together and put them into a folder. He put his coat, scarf and gloves on as he’d also heard that Mr Scrooge was stingy with the heating in his office. It was a crisp, clear day, so Dave decided to walk across town to enjoy the weather, and not because he had foolishly forgot to put petrol in his car.

He arrived at Scrooge’s office and knocked on the door. Then he realised that there was no point knocking, and so he pushed the door open and went inside. The office was so cold, Dave felt his nipples harden beneath three layers of clothing, and his breath formed clouds in the air. He rubbed his gloved hands together to keep warm. He looked around for Mr Scrooge, and his eyes fell on a man sat shivering at a desk with his teeth chattering. Dave saw a name plate on the desk in front of him that read ‘Bob Cratchit’. Another very odd name, Dave thought to himself. Unperturbed, Dave enquired after Mr Scrooge. With a great effort, Bob Cratchit raised his arm to point to a door behind him. He slowly stood up and shuffled over to open the door.

Dave followed him and found himself in a darkened room, with the only light coming from one of those rubbish lights that look like candles, but run on batteries. Dave kept his coat, scarf and gloves on and took a seat in front of Mr Scrooge’s desk. Just in front of him, Dave saw a jar of humbugs. Mr Scrooge offered him one, and Dave accepted gratefully, whilst marvelling at the man’s impressive mutton chop sideburns. Bob Cratchit left the room and closed the door behind him. Dave attempted some light-hearted repartee to open his pitch, but on seeing Mr Scrooge’s stony expression, dispensed with the small talk and got down to the nitty gritty of the appointment. He presented the quote, outlining all the relevant warranties and endorsements, before revealing the premium. Mr Scrooge looked at him blankly. Dave began to feel a little hesitant, wondering if he had forgotten anything. Finally, Mr Scrooge thanked him for his time, but he would not be making a decision today, as he was waiting for another quote to come in. Dave nodded understandingly, and left his business card on the desk before leaving. On the way out, he smiled at Bob, who was in conversation with someone who seemed quite jolly and friendly. Dave went out into the cold, and somehow felt warmer. He unwrapped his scarf, and walked back to the office to close up. He’d given his three employees the afternoon off, as well as Christmas Day and Boxing Day because he had to. He locked the office and cursing himself for having to leave the car behind, began to walk across town to his house.

Arriving home, he fumbled in his coat pocket for his house keys, and was just about to put the key in the lock, when the door knocker seemed to transform into the face of a haunted old man. The air was filled with a blood-curdling moan, and Dave stepped backwards, falling over a stone plant pot. He looked around, but there was nobody around. He looked at his front door, but all he could see was the ordinary door knocker. Shaking his head, he went inside and closed the door behind him.

He made himself some tea – a bowl of carrot and coriander soup and a crusty roll – and sat in front of the television watching an old Morecambe and Wise Christmas special. He was just mopping up the last of the soup with his roll when the television suddenly shut off, and the real fire effect gas fire went cold. Dave looked around in confusion. He’d remembered to pay the bills, he was sure. Then, the door to the cupboard under the stairs began to slowly open. Dave cowered in the chair, because he knew what lurked in cupboards under stairs – eleven year old boy wizards, or Indians. Thankfully, it was a ghostly old man with the face he had seen on his door knocker. Dave rubbed his eyes in disbelief. The ghost man introduced himself as Robert Marley, his partner. Dave was a bit confused, as he had never had a business partner, but he kept schtum because he had always been brought up to respect people older than him, and this ghost was definitely older than him. Anyway, this Robert Marley began to tell him how he needed to change his ways, or he would be doomed to a miserable death. As he spoke, chains appeared and wrapped themselves around the poor old ghostly Mr Marley. Dave was completely at a loss, but let him waffle on about how he was supposedly forging his own chains with his curmudgeonly ways, and Dave was going to be visited by three spirits who would show him the error of his ways and put him on the straight and narrow. Finally, the old ghost seemed to have run out of things to say, so he took his chains and wandered back into the cupboard. When he was certain the old ghost was gone, Dave rushed over and turned the key to lock the cupboard door. Then, as if by magic, the television came back on, and the fire sprung back to life. Dave screamed loudly when he realised Morecambe and Wise had finished, and now there was a ‘Best of X Factor’ compilation show on.

To be concluded…