Juke Box Jury – 16/07/18

Hello! Today has been an almighty comedown for sports fans with the World Cup and Wimbledon both coming to an end last night. To fill the gap, for now, here’s the latest Juke Box Jury. After only one track from last week made it into the Top 100 (the NHS Voices cover of ‘With A Little Help From My Friends’), here are another five new releases…

The first track of the week is ‘Summertime Magic’ from Childish Gambino aka actor Donald Glover. Clearly concocted with the season in mind, this will no doubt be blasted from all the speakers of young adults and older adults who try to kid themselves that they’re ‘down with the kids’ as the sun shines late into the evening, and many summery alcoholic beverages will be consumed. It’s a bit boring really. But it will, no doubt, be a HIT.


Track number two is ‘Sesame Syrup’ by the rather oddly named Cigarettes After Sex. This is a melancholic, slightly dreary tune from the American band. With the jangly dampened guitar sound, this is what the Byrds might have sounded like on valium. It’s five minutes long, and if you’re tired and need to sleep, this is the song for you!! It will be a MISS.


The third of this week’s tracks is ‘Don’t Be Afraid If Nobody Loves You’ by Suede. This is textbook Suede – guitar bursts, Brett Anderson’s wailing vocals, and lyrics about being on the edge of society. That said, it’s still comparable with their earlier stuff, albeit reeking of middle-age spread. It won’t trouble the charts, making it a MISS, but this is probably exactly what they would want!


The penultimate track is ‘Desperate Man’ by American Country singer Eric Church. As American country songs go, this is, well, not terrible. This is what I would call proper country music – none of this modernised bullshit. I’ve heard worse – much worse – than this. Yet this will certainly not be making an appearance in the British Top 100, making this a MISS.


Last up this week is ‘First Aid’ from Eliza And The Bear. I’m sorry, but this manages to make the Eric Church track sound like a fucking musical masterpiece. It’s dull, dreary, monotonous dross. This is the opinion I formed within the first ten seconds of the song, and I haven’t got to the end and it isn’t getting any better. I can sum this up in one word – MISS. I need say no more.


Right, on to the classic chart track. On this day back in 1976, Thin Lizzy were sitting at number 15 with ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’. Absolute bloody brilliance! Enjoy.


Right, time for Juke Box Jury to take a little holiday, but fear not, I’ll back in the Autumn to brighten up your Monday evenings!!


The World Cup Brief – Final Part

The end is here. After sixty four football matches have been and gone, France were the last team standing. Overall, I’d say that’s probably fair because no other team has been as consistent as Les Bleus. Here are the last two ten word reports of the tournament…

14th July: Third Place Playoff – Belgium 2 – 0 England
Belgians take deserved third place as they beat England again.

15th July: World Cup Final – France 4 – 2 Croatia
French too strong for brave Croatians as Mbappe shines bright.


Right, now for a few little awards…

Best Team: France, obviously.

Best Player: Tough one, but I’m going for Eden Hazard.

Best Match: I’d like to pick an England game, but for me it has to be France vs Argentina in the Second round. 4 – 3 and Mbappe on fire. And, of course, Argentina losing!

Best Goal: Difficult one to choose. I think I’m going for Benjamin Pavard’s goal for France against Argentina. Such technique from a defender to strike the ball and keep it low into the goal.

The World Cup Brief Part 7

The Semi-finals! England are still in the competition!! Is football coming home at last? Well, it may be a step closer after tomorrow, but for now, here are the ten word reports for the semi-finals…

10th July: France 1 – 0 Belgium
French sneak goal then hold off Belgians to reach final.

11th July: Croatia 2 – 1 England (aet)
England boss the first half, Croatia surge into the final.

So, it’s not meant to be for England. Football has missed the flight home after all – probably too busy in the duty free shop. Still got the matter of a Third Place Play-off against Belgium, and no doubt a large proportion of England will be French on Sunday…

Juke Box Jury – 09/07/18

Good Evening all! It’s Monday night, and that means it’s Juke Box Jury time. None of last week’s tracks made it in to the Top 100 again, which means my powers are waning. Instead of dwelling on that sad fact, I’m back to run the rule over another five new releases…

First up is ‘Hello Hi 2’ from Big Narstie featuring the ginger whiner, Ed Sheeran. What the actual fuck?! I’ve seen this Big Narstie fella has a chat show on Channel 4. I didn’t watch it – why would I? Especially with Sheeran as a guest. This will probably be a HIT down to the Sheeran factor. Because for some reason, he can do no wrong.


Track number two is ‘With A Little Help From My Friends’ by the NHS Voices. Now, as you know, I’m a massive Beatles fan, so any attempt to cover a Beatles song is risky business in my view. Yes, it’s for a good cause etc etc yada yada, but fuck me it’s atrocious. Whatever happened to quality control in the music business? The original was good, the Joe Cocker version an absolute beauty, and even the Wet Wet Wet version was passable, but this? No. Having said that, being a ‘charidee’ single, it’ll probably be a HIT.


The third of this week’s tracks is ‘Love Lights’ from Sunset Sons. The Sunset Sons are a three piece band originating from the UK and Australia, and, according to Wikipedia, based in France, the Landes region known (and correct me if Wikipedia is wrong) as the “European Surfing Capital”. Is it any good, I hear you say. Well, compared to what has come before this week, it’s a marked improvement. But that doesn’t mean it’s very good. It will still be a MISS.


The fourth track is ‘Barcelona’ from Max George. I must warn you, this is not a cover of the Freddie Mercury and Montserrat Caballe duet. I was curious. But then as soon as he tried to rhyme Barcelona with California, I was lost, and this was just another piece of musical garbage. Apparently Max used to be in The Wanted. Big fucking whoop. If music was a dog, then this is the stuff that dogs try to scrape off their arse by dragging it along the floor. I really hope it’s not a hit, but MAYBE it will be.


Last up this week is ‘Is This Still Love’ by ex-McFly chap Danny Jones. He’s obviously tried to grow up musically, which is brave. But that doesn’t mean it’s good. Oh no, sir-ee. Maybe the best of a really shit bunch this week, but nothing more. I can’t see it making an impact on the chart, so that makes this a MISS.


Right, that just leaves the matter of the classic chart hit, which this week, comes from 1988. This week, at number two, were the Fat Boys with Chubby Checker and their version of ‘The Twist (Yo Twist)’. Takes me back…

The World Cup Brief Part 6

It’s the Quarter-Finals. Some big names are absent – Spain, Portugal, Germany and Argentina all knocked out, and there are some others daring to dream – *cough cough* England, for example. Any way, here are the ten-word reports…

6th July: Uruguay 0 – 2 France
French benefit from keeper howler to knock out toothless Uruguay.

6th July: Brazil 1 – 2 Belgium
Samba stars beaten by promising Belgian team for semi-final spot.

7th July: Sweden 0 – 2 England
Southgate’s young Lions stifle Swedes and make whole nation happy.

7th July: Russia 2 – 2 Croatia (3-4 pens)
Hosts luck runs out as Croatia head into semi-final heaven.

What a Semi-final line-up!!

The World Cup Brief Part 5

So, we’re down to the nitty gritty of the tournament. No second chances. Win or go home. It’s knockout time!! Here are the Last Sixteen matches with my ten word treatment…

30th June: France 4 – 3 Argentina
Les Blues hold off Argies in exciting seven goal thriller.

30th June: Uruguay 2 – 1 Portugal
Cavani brace more than good enough to beat one-dimensional Portugal.

1st July: Spain 1 – 1 Russia (3-4 pens)
Hosts dig deep to knock out disappointing Spain on penalties.

1st July: Croatia 1 – 1 Denmark (3-2 pens)
Modric relief as Croatians hold nerve in penalty shoot-out victory.

2nd July: Brazil 2 – 0 Mexico
Brazilians comfortably dispatch Mexico thanks to Neymar and Firmino goals.

2nd July: Belgium 3 – 2 Japan
Last gasp Chadli winner puts Belgium through, breaks Japanese hearts.

3rd July: Sweden 1 – 0 Switzerland
Swedes win nervy game by single goal as Swiss toil.

3rd July: Colombia 1 – 1 England (3-4 pens)
England overcome late Colombian equaliser to finally win on penalties.

Juke Box Jury 02/07/18

Summer is in full swing, the heat is making people melt, and all the water is running out. Apparently. After none of last week’s featured tracks made it into the Top 100, I’m back to see what this week has in store for me…

First up is the new single from Embrace, ‘Adrenalin’. I remember when they were fairly big in the late nineties, and how they were okay, but not really great. In a topsy turvy world, it’s good to know that Embrace are still okay but not really great. Nothing changes. This isn’t going to trouble the charts, but I don’t think that’s what bands like Embrace are making music for any more. So, this will be a MISS, but no one will be bothered by that.


Track two is ‘Cry On My Guitar’ by Miles Kane, of Last Shadow Puppets fame. This has a definite T-Rex vibe going on, and that’s good enough for me. This is seriously good, folks. I don’t know what else to say, other than go and buy the mofo. The million dollar question remains, will it be a hit? MAYBE.


The third track this week is ‘Jealous Sea’ by Meg Myers. Meg is from Tennessee, and Wikipedia pigeonholes her as Indie/Alternative Rock. Is it any good, you’re probably wondering? Well, let me tell you. It is average. I’m listening to it, and I don’t necessarily want to turn it off half way through, but by the same token, I don’t want to listen to it again. I’m going call this one early – it’s a MISS.


Track four this week is ‘Connection’ from OneRepublic. I don’t know why they felt the need to dispense with the space, but I digress. This is typical American pop rock rubbish. End of. Another MISS.


This brings me to the last of this week’s new releases. ‘Under The Sun’ is by Roosevelt, a German singer-songwriter. It’s not my cup of tea, really. And that’s not just because he’s German and my wife’s Austrian, and there’s a whole historical hatred thing going on. I can imagine this being used to advertise something like a soft drink or something summery. I could probably cope with only hearing a twenty second snippet, because after that, it’s just repetitive. And not in a good way. This, I’m afraid, is another MISS.


And now to the classic hit for this week. On this day in 2012, for some unknown reason, House of Pain were at number 93 with their 1992 hit ‘Jump Around’. Obviously benefiting from music streaming having a bearing on the charts, this was probably the best song in the Top 100 that week, apart from Radiohead’s ‘Creep’ which was sitting at number 92!!