Another Monday, another Juke Box Jury. After only one of the five tracks troubled the charts – Muse came in at number 76, here are five more tracks for me to pull apart and leave the bones for the vultures circling above.
First up is the best artist currently active in the world. ‘Mr Tillman’ is the new track from Father John Misty. Clearly inspired by too many hotel receptions and moaning customers, this is a jaunty number that bears a little resemblance to his most recent album, being mostly piano-led, but without the philosophical and sociological lyrics. Personally, it’s a big, monster HIT.
The second track is a potential Eurovision entry for Finland. I kid you not. ‘Queens’ is by the heavily-vowelled Saara Aalto. She’s got more ‘A’s’ than a surly teenager. It screams out Eurovision. And there’s no guarantee it will even make it to the competition. If it doesn’t, then blame the Finns. Will it make an impression on the British charts? Probably not, but I think I’ll sit on the fence and say MAYBE.
The next track is ‘Like I Do’ by David Guetta, Martin Garrix and Brooks. It’s one of those unnecessary ‘collaborations’ and, to be frank, it’s fucking awful. It’s one of those that you have to be completely out of your tree in a club, trying to cop off with some bird you’ve been giving the eye all night. You step on to the dance floor and hope you have the moves to tempt her away from her mates. You catch a glimpse of yourself dancing and gurning like a prick and then, in a flash the song finishes. Then you try and listen to the song when sober and ask yourself what in God’s name compelled you?! Having said that, it’ll probably be a HIT. More’s the pity.
The penultimate track up before my discerning ears is ‘Lullaby’ by Sigala and Paloma Faith. Now, the Official Chart website considered this a ‘highlight’ of the week’s releases. It’s so music-by-numbers it’s not true. Thumping beat? Check. Synthesised melody? Check. Repetitive lyrics? Check. Tagged on a fairly well-known artist with a minimal contribution? Check. I was ecstatic when the damned thing was over. I fear the masses will lap this dross up, so, reluctantly, it’s going to be a HIT.
And finally, ‘Nothing To Regret’ by Robinson. We’ll see about that, shall we? Ok, so it’s not the worst track of the week. That’s all I can really say in it’s favour. I’m already regretting listening to it, and there’s another 40 seconds left of the damned song. I know what she’s trying to do, she’s trying to use the repetitive chorus to try and get into people’s heads. I sincerely hope it fails. MISS.
And that’s the end of this week’s new releases. Now for some classic chart entry fun. A new entry in February 1963, Cliff Richard and the Shadows were clearly in an optimistic mood with ‘Summer Holiday’!