Well, May is virtually over, and I bet you’d thought that I’d forgotten to post a story for the month! Worry not, for here is the Diary of An Introvert that took me last May to write, and if you look back, I posted some snippets during the month itself.
Here, though, is the full month’s work in all it’s raw glory!
Wednesday 1st May
Realised I start my new job on Tuesday next week – how am I going to cope with talking to people all the time?! I should have tried to get a job in a library. Or a mortuary. But I will just have to bite the bullet. It’s an office job. What can possibly go wrong?
Today was okay. Managed to get on the bus without talking to the bus driver – a regular ticket bought through the company on-line was a master stroke of genius – and into town to get some new smart work shirts and ties. There was a tough moment when the sales assistant tried to offer me some, well, assistance, but I managed to play dumb and pretend he didn’t exist until he gave up and went to pester an older chap. I couldn’t make my mind up which ones to get so I bought four plain white shirts and ties of varying colours and patterns. It would have been so much easier with a girlfriend to help me out and tell me what colour goes with my eyes… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Thursday 2nd May
I decided to catch the train to Liverpool today. It’s my favourite city to visit, and the people are so nice – they leave you alone. I got off at Lime Street Station and wandered further into the City centre towards the docks. I went to the Beatles Story for my customary visit, and once again forgot to pick up the headphones with the commentary, so wandered around in silence, avoiding the other visitors and going straight through the shop without buying anything. I saw a very pretty girl with a nice bum and fairly big boobs in Burger King, and wished I had the guts to speak to her. She would have been great to have as my girlfriend… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Friday 3rd May
It was the last day before a long Bank Holiday weekend, and I spent most of the day at home watching the snooker on television. I enjoy watching snooker because most of the time, there is no noise, and the players can make their shots and think about things without the pressure of the audience shouting at them to make a particular shot, or cursing when they get it wrong. I went to a football match with my dad when I was younger- to make him happy and make me seem like less of a let-down in his eyes – and I hated every minute of it. That’s when I started watching snooker. It is my ambition to go to the World Championships in Sheffield one day. I could sit in the auditorium, watching snooker and listening to the commentary on those ear-pieces that everyone seems to have. As long as I don’t sit next to one of those wallies in a football shirt, because they stick out like a sore thumb.
Once the snooker had finished, I went to bed and read a book. I’ve got a double bed in my room, but I sleep alone. I wonder what it would be like to share my bed with a woman… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Saturday 4th May
I woke up early due thanks to an erotic dream and the subsequent fall-out. As I recall it involved a large-breasted Page Three girl and a bath. Once I’d sorted myself out and had a shower, I had a coffee and some toast and watched the Breakfast news. I have to enjoy the freedom while it lasts as my parents are due back off holiday on Monday. I had a text message from one of my friends (well, I say friend, more of an acquaintance that I’ve not been able to shake off) to see if I wanted to go out to the pub later. I replied in the positive, and busied myself tidying the house up to a reasonable standard. I spent the afternoon in front of the snooker again, before putting a frozen pizza in the oven for tea. At 7.30, I got myself ready to go out – I changed my shirt and put on a clean pair of socks – and off I went to the pub to meet my friend, Scott. He was already there, sitting at the bar with two pints of lager in front of him. We found ourself a table out of the way, so we could talk free from prying eyes and ears. Three hours later, I was ridiculously pissed and craving a kebab. So staggered into Kostas’ Kebab Shop and ordered myself a doner kebab with salad, onions and plenty of chili sauce. I managed to get home with the kebab intact, and I ate it off a plate in front of the television, watching There’s Something About Mary… I wish Cameron Diaz was my girlfriend.
Sunday 5th May
Stayed in bed until lunchtime looking at porn on my laptop. It’s so much easier than having to deal with women in real life – if they start to get on my wick, I can simply turn them off. After getting through some tissues, I decided to look for some new music to listen to on Youtube, as I’m getting bored of listening to the same stuff over again. I got up eventually and had a shower before fixing myself some sandwiches before sitting down to watch the snooker again. Scott rang to see if I wanted to go to the pub again. I reluctantly agreed when he mentioned that one of the girls behind the bar had been wearing a tight low cut top last night. I watched the rest of the snooker, had another quick tommy tank and went out to meet Scott again. I was there first this time, so I bought two pints and sat at the bar trying to ogle the barmaid in question. I was not disappointed – tonight she was wearing a low-cut leopard print top which showed plenty of chest and a good portion of cleavage too. Just to finish off the ensemble, she had a pair of black hot-pants and shiny black tights which reflected light and almost blinded me. Scott arrived and sat down next to me. We both spent the evening sat at the bar drinking and gawping at the barmaid, whose name was Beth, apparently. I went home pissed again, and fell asleep thinking of Beth’s bum and cleavage… I wish she was my girlfriend.
Monday 6th May
Mum and Dad arrived back from their holiday in America at five o’clock in the morning. I know this because I was woken up by my dad cursing due to me locking the back door and leaving the key in it. After I dragged myself out of bed and let them in, sleepily taking a telling off from both parents, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I made myself a coffee and sat in the kitchen listening to my dad’s day-by-day account of where they went and what they did. Right down to what he had to eat, which made me hungry so I made some toast. My parents wanted to get a bit of rest as they’d been on the go for over twenty four hours, so they went to bed, and I thought I’d give them peace by going for a walk in the woods. I didn’t do much else today, because I’ve got a job to start tomorrow. Before bed I got out my clothes and hung them up. I did some reading and listened to music through my headphones before falling asleep alone in my bed… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Tuesday 7th May
Up early for breakfast before work. With the nerves I could barely eat, so I only managed one piece of toast with jam on it. I got dressed and went off to work with my parents stood in the lounge window waving me off like it was my first day at school! Work itself was difficult. Meeting lots of new people, trying to remember everyone’s name and how they took their coffee. Well, I only needed to make drinks for four other people, so that wasn’t too bad. By lunchtime, my desk was awash with post-it notes reminding me of various things. My new boss, a middle-aged balding chap called Phil gave me some tips on places to go for lunch, so I headed out to Subway for a foot long Meatball Marinara. Yummy. In the afternoon, I was introduced to more people, and that was when I clapped eyes on the woman of my dreams. She was shorter than I was, but only just, and her name was Jen – which I assume is short for Jennifer. Jen was working in the post room and thankfully, it was my job to take the post from my team down. So when it came to half past four I hot-footed it down with a tray full of post. Sure enough, there she was in her rather close fitting polo shirt and black skirt waiting for me to hand her my package. This is the sort of joke I would have made with her if I had the courage. Instead, I smiled awkwardly, turned beetroot red and put the tray down next to her before scuttling away. When I got home, I went straight to my room to lie down and think about Jen. I was disturbed by my mother asking me if I wanted any tea. I replied in the positive as I’d need sustenance to fuel my fantasising. Dad asked me how I’d got on, and if I’d made any new friends. I told him the basics, not going into too much detail in case I confused him, and leaving out the lovely Jen. I took myself to bed early under the pretence of being tired and lay in my bed thinking about Jen… I wish she was my wife.
Wednesday 8th May
Today was a lot quieter. I only forgot the names of five people, which isn’t too bad really. I was let loose on the filing system today – Phil asked me to replace all the suspension files in the filing cabinets with new ones, and write out new labels for each letter of the alphabet, even the letter Q. I was overcome with reserved excitement when the clock showed 4.30, grabbing the post and heading off to see my prospective wife. Sure enough, she was waiting for me with a smile on her face and a glint in her eye, although that might just be the artificial fluorescent lighting in the room. I managed to say hello today, and when she said ‘Hello’ back in her soft Scottish accent, I think some of my sperm threatened to escape from their confines. When I got home after work, I collected all my so-called ‘Men’s magazines’ from under my bed, and put them into a bin bag, then snuck past my parents as they watched telly to put them in the wheelie bin outside. I wouldn’t need to refer to those pages of virtually naked women for self-gratification anymore. Jen was the only woman for me… I wish she was my wife.
Thursday 9th May
Went to work with unprecedented enthusiasm today. I live for my daily encounter with Jen, there is no denying it. This afternoon was no different – I wished the day away and rushed down with the post. Sure enough, there she was sorting through some post as I walked in. She smiled and told me to put it down on the side. I complied and sort of hovered, hoping to start some sort of conversation. Unfortunately, none was forthcoming, so I left. On the way home in the car, I cussed myself for my inability to make any sort of conversation with the woman of my dreams. It would serve me right if she got fed up of waiting for me. Which wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened to me in my lifetime – the embarrassment I caused myself back in school when I wrote a letter to a girl called Emma and never followed it up still haunts me – thanks to my frustratingly introverted personality. I went to sleep knowing tomorrow had to be the day I actually put together some sort of conversation with her… I wish she was my wife.
Friday 10th May
Woke up having had a crazy sex dream involving Jen. My immediate first thought was shame, but then the subconscious image of her naked body settled in my brain and cheered me up no end, especially when I found all the Frosties had gone meaning there was only toast for breakfast. At work, I had bad day, and it was made infinitely worse when I went down to the post to hear Jen on the phone, telling someone she loved them before hanging up. I put the post down and left without a word. Back at my desk, I put on a brave face, but I was dying inside. To commiserate, I stopped off at Tesco and bought copies of FHM, Loaded and Front, all with naked girls galore inside. Mum must have noticed something was wrong as she let me have extra garlic bread with my spaghetti Bolognese. I watched a bit of telly with my parents, but decided to go to bed rather than watch the news. I lay in bed staring at pictures of artistically naked women trying to conjure up the enthusiasm to relieve some stress, but none came. I had lost the love of my life to an unknown other man. I missed her. Eventually, I managed to push Jen from my mind enough to have a bit of a wank, thanks to a red-haired girl with big boobs called Lucy… Sod Jen, I wish Lucy was my girlfriend.
Saturday 11th May
It was nice to have a lie in after four days at work. I made the most of it – I briefly got up to make a coffee and toast, and went back to bed to read the new Irvine Welsh book. My parents went in to town, leaving me to my own devices. Around midday, I got up and had a shower and washed my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if I was hideously ugly to women. I don’t think I’m that bad – yes my eyebrows are a little bushy, and my nose is slightly wonky, but apart from that, I’ve seen uglier blokes with women on their arms. There must be hope for me. I didn’t do much with the rest of my Saturday, other than watch telly, eat tea and look at magazines… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Sunday 12th May
I woke up with a banging headache, so I pretty much stayed in bed all day. Mum kindly brought me some headache tablets and food, although by two o’clock in the afternoon, I could sense her sympathy waning. I need a beautiful woman to act as my nursemaid. I had another look at the magazines with red-haired, big-boobed Lucy… I wish she was my nursemaid.
Monday 13th May
The alarm woke me up at 7 in the morning. Thankfully the headache was gone, so I could go to work. I tried to blank out the pain of losing Jen, and was relieved when she wasn’t there. Instead a big hairy man called Jim took the post off me, explaining that Jen was on holiday for the week. I found it easy to talk to Jim, probably because I had no feelings for him, and had no desire to see him naked. Phil came to talk to me at the end of the day and asked me if I fancied a change of duties. I shrugged my shoulders and nodded, which he took as a positive response. From next week, my new role was in the post room, scanning incoming post. Great. I was going to work alongside Jen… Deep down, I still wish she was my girlfriend.
Tuesday 14th May
I’m still having mixed feelings about my impending change of job. Whilst I will be working with the lovely Jen, I had to deal with the fact of her unavailability on a daily basis. In the meantime, I was given plenty to do at work – Phil asked me to update the internal telephone directory and then print and deliver one to every desk in the office. Over one hundred of them. I set to work by looking at the old one and ringing all the numbers and asking whose phone it was. I got some stupid answers, like the smart arse that tried to tell me he was George W Bush, or the girl that would only tell me if I described myself to her – ultimately, I found out her name was Beryl, and she was the cleaner. By the end of the day I’d managed to work out who was who and was starting to put together the new list. I still had my post duties to fulfil so I went down to see Jim. After work I went to the swimming pool to do a few lengths to try and get fit. Unfortunately, it was Aquafit night, so I came home to have some solo exercise with my pictures of Lucy… I wish she was my girlfriend.
Wednesday 15th May
Today was a red-letter day. In the process of delivering the phone directories I must have encountered about ten knockout hotties, and a further fifteen that I wouldn’t necessarily kick out of bed in a hurry. At least three of them gave me a smile. Although I have to say one thing, and I only feel safe committing it to the page in my diary: women with good figures shouldn’t be allowed to have a face like a smacked arse. It’s misleading. On one occasion, I was in one of the departments handing out the directories when I caught a glimpse of a sumptuous specimen with a lovely pert bottom, curves in all the right places stood at the photocopier. Yet when she turned round, the mini erection that had been building shrivelled like a punctured balloon. She was, well, not what I was expecting. Not like the lovely Jen, or the big-boobed one from my magazines… I wish they were both my girlfriends.
Thursday 16th May
A quiet day all round. I still miss Jen, but a workout with big-boobed Lucy took my mind of it for a while. There has to be more to life than yearning and masturbating over women. I know it’s May already, but I’m going to make a resolution – by the end of the year I WILL have had intimate relations with a REAL woman… I hope to have a girlfriend.
Friday 17th May
The last working day before I move down to my new job. Also the last day without my wonderful Jen. Phil came to thank me for helping him out, and to wish me well, and kindly gave me a bottle of beer. Other than that, there was nothing to note today… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Saturday 18th May
I was up early today, taking advantage of the good weather to help my dad paint the garden shed. By lunchtime, we’d given it one coat and hadn’t fallen out either, which has to go down as an achievement! We finished it just before tea time, the delay thanks to my inadvertent leaning against the back panel when flailing away at a passing fly, and my dad making me repaint it. To reward myself for a job well done, I called Scott to see if he fancied a few pints in the pub. Unfortunately, he was out with his family at a wedding and couldn’t get away. To cement my new resolution, I went on my own. I bought a pint and a bag of pork scratchings and sat in the window seat and stared at Beth and her ample cleavage. My reverie was interrupted by the rather awkward arrival of my schoolboy crush, Emma, and her friends. If I’m totally honest, I don’t remember her being loud and obnoxious, that’s why I was attracted to her. Tonight though, all I could hear was her sniggering laughter as she shouted her conversation with her party. It wasn’t as if the jukebox was even particularly loud. I took my leave when one of her friends, who I think was called Katie, knocked my table on the way to the ladies, and tipped my glass over. Luckily it was virtually empty so I didn’t lose out too much. I went to bed a little tipsy, and recklessly masturbated with my bedroom door ajar rather than closed as was usual. I’d rather I could have sex… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Sunday 19th May
I woke up with quite a headache. I imagine it was drink-related, so I drank plenty of water until the banging subsided. As my parents had gone out walking with their walking group, I was left to my own devices until late afternoon, so I messed about on the internet and bought myself the new Football Manager game to play on my laptop. Apparently it kills most relationships – the chance would be a fine thing! Rather than look at naked women in magazines, I decided to run a bath and have a good soak. It would have been nicer to share a bath with a hot naked woman, if I’m totally honest… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Monday 20th May
My first day down in the post room with Jen today. I’m writing this before I go to work because I couldn’t sleep through excitement – I’ve been awake since half past four. It’s now half past seven and I’m dressed and breakfasted as well. I think I’ll set off soon, just to get settled in my new surroundings.
What a day! Wall to wall Jen all day. Absolute heaven. I can’t really tell you what I did all day other than sit and look at my computer screen, feed bits of paper into a scanner and then save and file the information in various folders on the screen. Jen spoke to me about loads of things, like ‘did I want a coffee?’ or ‘do you want to go for your lunch at 12 or 1?’ Her accent made me all weak at the knees. I even talked back to her, so we had conversations. She’s older than me, but only by three months. She came down from Scotland to study and never went back. She wasn’t very tanned because she only went to Barmouth on holiday, and it rained most of the time, and, she decided she’d had enough of her boyfriend!! I rejoiced and danced all the way to the men’s room for a celebratory wee. Back at home, my good mood must have shown because even my dad asked why I was smiling so much. I told him I liked my job and he settled for that – he’s never been one for deep conversations, my dad. I went to bed and lay there still smiling… I might soon have a girlfriend.
Tuesday 21st May
My life just seems to be getting better by the day! Today I talked to Jen about myself – confirming that I was single and ready to mingle – and she seemed interested in what I had to say. In fact, I’m pretty certain that she was VERY interested in my relationship status. At the end of the day, I almost asked her out, but got interrupted by the fire alarm going off, so we had to wait outside in the car park for twenty minutes while they tried to find the key to turn the sodding alarm off. Thankfully it didn’t start to rain until we were briefly back in the building before going home. I enjoyed my drive home, singing along to the music on the radio. The excitement wore me out, so I went to bed fairly early and started reading ‘Trainspotting’ by Irvine Welsh. I’ve had it a while without really picking it up, but apparently Jen reckons I should definitely read it and then watch the film. I might suggest we watch it together, at her house… I wish she was my girlfriend.
Wednesday 22nd May
Things took a step backwards today. I think it must have been Jen’s time of the month or something because she was emotional and kept talking about her ex in a worrying way. I tried to suggest that the past was best left behind and to move on, but she got quite nasty and called me a nerd and suggested I was probably still a virgin, or maybe a closet homosexual! I ran off and hid in the toilets for a full ten minutes before composing myself and returning to my desk in silence. I lunched at my desk and rather than read ‘Trainspotting’ as intended (as a way of further snaring Jen in my web), I went to my car and retrieved a copy of Nuts with the red-headed Lucy in it, and defiantly sat there reading it and looking at the pictures. The afternoon was unexpectedly busy, so when home-time came, I accidentally left the magazine in my drawer. I lay in bed worried that I may have ruined my chances with Jen… I hope she will be my girlfriend.
Thursday 23rd May
My new football manager game arrived today before work. Probably good timing, seeing as I’ve probably screwed my chances with Jen. When I arrived at work, Jen was already there, and to my shock and surprise, she was leafing through my Nuts magazine with interest! When I sat down and looked uncomfortably at her, she smiled and handed me the magazine back. I could feel the heat in my cheeks as I took it from her and opened my drawer to put it away. I stopped and felt a wave of emotion as I saw a big Milky Bar sitting in my drawer. From behind me, Jen tapped the back of my chair and said ‘The Milky Bar is on me’. She apologised for calling me a closeted gay yesterday and then floored me with her suggestion of lunch tomorrow. I nodded my acceptance, coolly and confidently (I hope). At lunchtime, I pulled out my copy of ‘Trainspotting’ and purposely read a few pages right there in front of her. She asked me all sorts of questions about the book, before taking it off me and reading a few sentences in her sexy Scottish accent. This kept me going all afternoon and into the evening, as I got to grips with the intricacies of Football Management simulation. It was gone midnight before I turned the computer off… I should really get a girlfriend.
Friday 24th May
I woke up this morning ready to enjoy my lunch with Jen, only to be shattered by the realisation I had developed ManFlu. I reluctantly called in sick and remained in bed all day, being looked after by my mum… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Saturday 25th May
Still in the deadly vice-like grip of ManFlu. I lay in bed all day feeling sorry for myself and mourning my lost lunch with Jen… I wish she was my girlfriend.
Sunday 26th May
Felt a little better today, so played some Football Manager in bed for a couple of hours. I resolved to go back to work tomorrow to resume my affair with Jen, until a chance remark by my dad reminded me it was another Bank Holiday tomorrow, so I would have to wait until Tuesday instead. I got up to have some spaghetti Bolognese for tea, and returned to bed to finish off my attempt to win the treble with Manchester City. At two in the morning I sadly lost the Champions League final to Barcelona on penalties. To commiserate, I had a sneaky look at pictures of big-boobed Lucy in her birthday suit before falling asleep… I would happily have her as my girlfriend.
Monday 27th May
I thought I’d suffered a relapse of ManFlu, but it was just indigestion from my toast in the morning. Rather than enjoy the sunshine, I stayed inside playing Football Manager all day. I had money to spend and a demanding chairman to satisfy! This season though, I was blighted by injury, so had to settle for runners-up in the League, a Quarter-Final of the Champions League and FA Cup. At least I won the League Cup… I seriously need a girlfriend.
Tuesday 28th May
Back to work today, I thought I’d lay it on a bit heavy with Jen to get some sympathy. She admitted she’d been disappointed that our lunch had been thwarted and even let it slip that she’d even washed and straightened her hair for the occasion. When she told me that, I looked at her and decided I preferred her with her natural curves. I meant curls, but to my horror, I suddenly realised I had said this all out loud. The rest of the morning was a little awkward really, for me certainly. At lunchtime I threw caution to the wind and went to the pub for a quick pint. One pint turned into three, and when I returned to work at half past two, I went straight up to Jen and told her I loved her and wanted her to be my girlfriend… It turns out she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend.
Wednesday 29th May
I stayed in bed this morning and pretended to have a migraine. Mum grudgingly called in sick for me. My life as I know it is over. Unwanted and unloved… I’ll never have a girlfriend.
Thursday 30th May
Continued my migraine pretence and wallowed in self-pity. Drafted my resignation letter and emailed it at half past ten at night. I cried myself to sleep… I may die alone, never having been intimate with a woman.
Friday 31st May
Woke up feeling like crap. Checked my emails, and discovered my resignation email had been returned due to having an incorrect address. I puzzled for a while, then remembered it should be at dot com instead of dot co dot uk. I resent the email and spent the rest of the day playing Football Manager… I don’t need a girlfriend.