Saturday 4th May
I woke up early due thanks to an erotic dream and the subsequent fall-out. As I recall it involved a large-breasted Page Three girl and a bath. Once I’d sorted myself out and had a shower, I had a coffee and some toast and watched the Breakfast news. I have to enjoy the freedom while it lasts as my parents are due back off holiday on Monday. I had a text message from one of my friends (well, I say friend, more of an acquaintance that I’ve not been able to shake off) to see if I wanted to go out to the pub later. I replied in the positive, and busied myself tidying the house up to a reasonable standard. I spent the afternoon in front of the snooker again, before putting a frozen pizza in the oven for tea. At 7.30, I got myself ready to go out – I changed my shirt and put on a clean pair of socks – and off I went to the pub to meet my friend, Scott. He was already there, sitting at the bar with two pints of lager in front of him. We found ourself a table out of the way, so we could talk free from prying eyes and ears. Three hours later, I was ridiculously pissed and craving a kebab. So staggered into Kostas’ Kebab Shop and ordered myself a doner kebab with salad, onions and plenty of chili sauce. I managed to get home with the kebab intact, and I ate it off a plate in front of the television, watching There’s Something About Mary… I wish Cameron Diaz was my girlfriend.
Sunday 5th May
Stayed in bed until lunchtime looking at porn on my laptop. It’s so much easier than having to deal with women in real life – if they start to get on my wick, I can simply turn them off. After getting through some tissues, I decided to look for some new music to listen to on Youtube, as I’m getting bored of listening to the same stuff over again. I got up eventually and had a shower before fixing myself some sandwiches before sitting down to watch the snooker again. Scott rang to see if I wanted to go to the pub again. I reluctantly agreed when he mentioned that one of the girls behind the bar had been wearing a tight low cut top last night. I watched the rest of the snooker, had another quick tommy tank and went out to meet Scott again. I was there first this time, so I bought two pints and sat at the bar trying to ogle the barmaid in question. I was not disappointed – tonight she was wearing a low-cut leopard print top which showed plenty of chest and a good portion of cleavage too. Just to finish off the ensemble, she had a pair of black hot-pants and shiny black tights which reflected light and almost blinded me. Scott arrived and sat down next to me. We both spent the evening sat at the bar drinking and gawping at the barmaid, whose name was Beth, apparently. I went home pissed again, and fell asleep thinking of Beth’s bum and cleavage… I wish she was my girlfriend.
Monday 6th May
Mum and Dad arrived back from their holiday in America at five o’clock in the morning. I know this because I was woken up by my dad cursing due to me locking the back door and leaving the key in it. After I dragged myself out of bed and let them in, sleepily taking a telling off from both parents, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I made myself a coffee and sat in the kitchen listening to my dad’s day-by-day account of where they went and what they did. Right down to what he had to eat, which made me hungry so I made some toast. My parents wanted to get a bit of rest as they’d been on the go for over twenty four hours, so they went to bed, and I thought I’d give them peace by going for a walk in the woods. I didn’t do much else today, because I’ve got a job to start tomorrow. Before bed I got out my clothes and hung them up. I did some reading and listened to music through my headphones before falling asleep alone in my bed… I wish I had a girlfriend.
Tuesday 7th May
Up early for breakfast before work. With the nerves I could barely eat, so I only managed one piece of toast with jam on it. I got dressed and went off to work with my parents stood in the lounge window waving me off like it was my first day at school! Work itself was difficult. Meeting lots of new people, trying to remember everyone’s name and how they took their coffee. Well, I only needed to make drinks for four other people, so that wasn’t too bad. By lunchtime, my desk was awash with post-it notes reminding me of various things. My new boss, a middle-aged balding chap called Phil gave me some tips on places to go for lunch, so I headed out to Subway for a foot long Meatball Marinara. Yummy. In the afternoon, I was introduced to more people, and that was when I clapped eyes on the woman of my dreams. She was shorter than I was, but only just, and her name was Jen – which I assume is short for Jennifer. Jen was working in the post room and thankfully, it was my job to take the post from my team down. So when it came to half past four I hot-footed it down with a tray full of post. Sure enough, there she was in her rather close fitting polo shirt and black skirt waiting for me to hand her my package. This is the sort of joke I would have made with her if I had the courage. Instead, I smiled awkwardly, turned beetroot red and put the tray down next to her before scuttling away. When I got home, I went straight to my room to lie down and think about Jen. I was disturbed by my mother asking me if I wanted any tea. I replied in the positive as I’d need sustenance to fuel my fantasising. Dad asked me how I’d got on, and if I’d made any new friends. I told him the basics, not going into too much detail in case I confused him, and leaving out the lovely Jen. I took myself to bed early under the pretence of being tired and lay in my bed thinking about Jen… I wish she was my wife.
Wednesday 8th May
Today was a lot quieter. I only forgot the names of five people, which isn’t too bad really. I was let loose on the filing system today – Phil asked me to replace all the suspension files in the filing cabinets with new ones, and write out new labels for each letter of the alphabet, even the letter Q. I was overcome with reserved excitement when the clock showed 4.30, grabbing the post and heading off to see my prospective wife. Sure enough, she was waiting for me with a smile on her face and a glint in her eye, although that might just be the artificial fluorescent lighting in the room. I managed to say hello today, and when she said ‘Hello’ back in her soft Scottish accent, I think some of my sperm threatened to escape from their confines. When I got home after work, I collected all my so-called ‘Men’s magazines’ from under my bed, and put them into a bin bag, then snuck past my parents as they watched telly to put them in the wheelie bin outside. I wouldn’t need to refer to those pages of virtually naked women for self-gratification anymore. Jen was the only woman for me… I wish she was my wife.
Thursday 9th May
Went to work with unprecedented enthusiasm today. I live for my daily encounter with Jen, there is no denying it. This afternoon was no different – I wished the day away and rushed down with the post. Sure enough, there she was sorting through some post as I walked in. She smiled and told me to put it down on the side. I complied and sort of hovered, hoping to start some sort of conversation. Unfortunately, none was forthcoming, so I left. On the way home in the car, I cussed myself for my inability to make any sort of conversation with the woman of my dreams. It would serve me right if she got fed up of waiting for me. Which wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened to me in my lifetime – the embarrassment I caused myself back in school when I wrote a letter to a girl called Emma and never followed it up still haunts me – thanks to my frustratingly introverted personality. I went to sleep knowing tomorrow had to be the day I actually put together some sort of conversation with her… I wish she was my wife.