Once in a while, it seems I have the ability to surprise people. As a modest, simple soul (not simple as in, you know, dumb, but simple as in “not complicated or difficult to fathom”). So it came to pass that I surprised some people recently. And, as a special Christmas treat for those, here, once again in all it’s full technicolour (well, I suppose it’s just black and white) glory, is how ‘Dave’ was introduced to the world. Enjoy and Merry Christmas!!!!
Dave’s Misfortune And Other Adventures
This is the story of a misfortunate chap called Dave. Now, Dave could be anyone really. You, me, or just someone you might know. Apparently it’s virtually impossible to go through life without coming into contact with a man named Dave.
But this particular Dave just seemed to have trouble with things. Love, work, family, even pets. In fact he had trouble with all these in the space of one unfortunate weekend.
So, it all started on a Friday. Our Dave was looking forward to his weekend. He had plans to go to the cinema with his girlfriend, then a barbeque at his parents house on Saturday.
He went to work on the Friday morning as usual. Things immediately struck him as odd – most of the managers were already closeted away in the office downstairs. This was not lost on his colleagues either. A few of them, Bill and Nicky, who were his immediate co-workers, sitting as they did opposite him, speculated on the possibilities. They ranged from murder to more mundane suggestions.
When the meeting broke up, and everyone began work, fears appeared to subside. Dave and Bill made plans to go for lunch at the pub, being as it was, Bill’s last day.
Before long, though, they were all called into a huge meeting. The big boss man dropped a bombshell on everyone – the company was struggling, and in order to carry on, changes would have to be made. To cut a long story sideways, Dave was going to be out of a job soon! Now this didn’t quite sink in with Dave. Not properly. The affected staff were allowed to leave early and come back on Monday morning for further discussions.
Dave and Bill eventually de-camped to the pub for lunch, Dave fully intending to make an afternoon of it! Many of the staff also headed to the pub, out of habit more than anything (although there was by no means a drinking culture).
After a good six pints, Dave was feeling suitably wobbly in the legs department. He wisely put in a call to his lovely lady, Kelly, to see if there was any chance of a lift home. Never mind that Kelly was at work and at a crucial stage in her staff appraisal. Her boss was really putting her to the test! (wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?!)
So, anyway, having not spoken to Kelly, he decided to try his old man. Having attempted to explain his current predicament, through a haze of beer, he finally managed to convey his need for getting home in his current state. Reluctantly, for he was also working, Dave’s dad agreed to come and get him and drop him off at home.
Three pints later, his dad arrived and, true to his word, took Dave back home to the place he shared with Kelly. Dave that is, not his dad. His dad was married to Dave’s mum, and had been for nearly forty years.
Anyway, Dave got into his home and sat on the sofa. He tried once more to let Kelly know what the problem was, but again no answer. Not knowing what to do for the best, he sat and watched the television for a while. Not realising, he managed to fall asleep, and was only stirred when Kelly arrived home in a state of undress. It could have been distress, but Dave had just woken up, and unbeknownst to Dave, Kelly was carrying her pants in her handbag.
Not impressed with Dave, and the prospect of having to be a breadwinner, and being on the bread-line, Kelly told him to bugger off as she preferred her boss. When Dave asked why, she only replied in the monetary sense. Dave was confused, but decided to ask for an explanation nonetheless. It turned out that Kelly had been doing more than checking the stationary cupboard with her boss. Also, today’s appraisal had included a rather extensive examination, which Kelly was proud to have passed. Her boss was pretty pleased with her oral skills too, by the way.
Well, to sum up, Dave was now out of work and out of a relationship. Still being in a beer haze, he proceeded to rearrange the furniture in a reckless way. He then left Kelly in a state of shock, stood in the middle of the living room, surveying the carnage.
He finally turned up at his parents house, worse for wear, and tired after a long walk. He confided his misfortune to his parents who commiserated with him over a cup of coffee and a cream cake. He went to bed, tired, emotional and with a huge headache from all the beer.
He woke up next morning feeling like someone was trying to drill through his skull and swish his brain around! An almighty hangover it was. With that night being his parents barbeque, Dave pledged to leave off the beer for the day.
However, as guests arrived, including his brother and wife, drinks flowed and Dave joined in, figuring it was rude not to. One thing led to another, and before long Dave was taking control of the barbequing. Burgers, sausages, all sorts. When they ran out of fish, Dave happily dived into his dad’s pond and netted some fish to cook. If his dad had seen this, Dave would have been stopped well before he got to the edge of the pond. It turns out koi carp are particularly expensive to replace and not all nice to eat.
Now, Kelly took this opportunity to pile more misery on Dave. She showed up, unabashed, and proceeded to dump his belongings on the driveway. The bare-faced cheek shouted Dave, and being drunk, displayed his bare faced cheeks to Kelly. Not a pretty sight, as you can imagine!
Kelly drove off with her new man in the car. Dave couldn’t help feeling put out. He was older, uglier, shorter and fatter than Dave, which made him feel marginally better.
Saturday night turned into Sunday morning. Dave’s dad was fuming about the fish, Dave’s mum was apoplectic about the embarrassment she’d felt, Dave’s brother was upset he hadn’t been allowed to get his air rifle and shoot at Kelly. Dave felt responsible for all of this. He made his mind up to take the chance and go away for a while. Somewhere quiet, where he could be with his thoughts, such as they were! Maybe experience life a bit, coming as he did, from a sheltered background.
He told his parents who were not best pleased with his care-free lassez-faire attitude to seeking employment, but his mind was set, and he explained that now was the time to follow a dream, take life by the balls and make things happen, in places he wanted them to happen. It was an amazing speech and the only thing preventing it from going down as the greatest speech of all time, was the fact that only his parents heard it. Or that it didn’t include the phrase “I have a dream…”. Oh well.
When challenged to elaborate on his dream, he started to regale his parents with a tale of unrivalled sexual exploits with rich, beautiful women in every major city in the world. Eventually, after recovering from their initial shock at hearing Dave telling them about a reverse cowgirl with Cameron Diaz, his parents guided him in the direction of telling them what he intended to do in the real world. Without pausing, Dave said he wanted to get away and see the world for a bit. Dave’s dad wasn’t impressed. He hadn’t had the chance to do any of that when he was Dave’s age.
Dave waved away the protests and said his mind was made up. And so began his adventures…